-who stole it remedy:
tell a joke, the one who laughs first did it.
-when you know something is being done to hurt you deeply:
don't be there to see it...ever.
-whenever you're introduced to someone:
do NOT forget their name (and never say "what was your name again?")
-bury 200.00 in the ground.
-at the reunion:
spend the whole time with the most pathetic person there and don't look around.
-no TP in the woods:
use both socks, cover w/leaves and get home as quickly as possible.
-only time to be happy:
as soon as you shut the door behind you.
-windows rolled up in winter, heat blasting, no music gas cramp solution:
fart.
-polite redneck observation:
thumb exposes tip of knife, no "full blade."
-when to contract sphincter:
armbow w/whumpy stomach pose.
-impenetrable full of shitness award:
people who finish a sentence and cough as soon as you start yours.
-what can never happen:
meeting a despised enemy on a good hair day.
-why that is:
someone told you to love them.
-proof there's a devil:
people never get sleepy in the limelight.
-hope for the future:
ten minutes in the wilmington nursery.
-what I'll bring:
a wedding gift and a half-head bandage.
-what to do to a demanding, arrogant rich-bitch when being condescended to:
squint, lean forward, and make a wiping motion at your nose.
-how to make fifty bucks in an hour without effort:
hold a sign at an intersection that reads: need beer money.
-how to make a hundred:
stay two hours.
-really vicious prank call:
call the homecoming queen's parents on prom night, imitate the state patrol and ask them if they can identify the head.
-even worse:
fake a seizure in mid-altar call.
lowest of the low:
god actually stopped me from writing it.
to be continued...
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