unwonderful advice

(in my travels, I've learned one or two things)

-why people usually say "huh" the first time you say something to them:

you're actually interrupting their internal dialogue. they were just listening to their ego telling them they deserve to win the lottery and avenge all perceived slights. or the rationalizing mechanism was sanctifying their part in a huge ruckus.

-what your ego will never fathom:

just how ungodly the thoughts of other people are toward you at any given moment.

-how to tell if a person is dangerous:

if they show relief at the end of non-agenda words.

-how to get an unwelcome person out of your life:

get good at anything they're afraid of.

-worst thing to think of as an ideal :

fearing the lord is the beginning of wisdom.

-how you can know god is really there:

your soul flinches at lower case g's.

-how to tell if a female likes you:

she giggles at your antics publicly.

-how to tell if she's the one:

walk up as she hangs out with her friends and read the first look in her eyes.

-how to tell if a guy likes you:

if he listens at all.

-how to know if he's the one:

the way he treats you in the first five minutes after orgasm.

-what women really want:

to be attracted.

-what guys always do:

define it all in the first ten minutes.

-what women conclude:

goodbye!

-tact and diplomacy department:

NEVER ask someone who has a disfigurement "how'd it happen?"
they've already told it 15,003 times and they're hoping you might just be the first to let things be.

-diffusing rednecks:

humbly act like you misunderstood their provocation so they have to repeat it. the dynamic always changes.

-for women who break down on a country road at night with no cellphone:

when there's no traffic, run out in the woods and sleep on a blanket. daylight is your friend...

-for the guys:

powder them jewels and start walking.

-how to get a cop disinterested:

look miserable.

-how to get a ticket every time:

be anything they've ever imitated.

-sex advice for women:

unless it hurts you morally or physically, let a guy do to you whatever he wants.

-why he cheated:

she said, "do whatever you want."

-sex advice for men:

be random.

-least powerful being on earth:

women who avoid the tub.

-what embarrasses a guy the most:

women who are histrionic in public about their bodily excretions.

-what (I think) embarrasses women the most:

inadequacy in front of their invisible audience.
(example: him: "okay, try to crank it!!")

to be continued...